The first steps into SM are some of the most exciting times many guys experience. Those early games when fantasies become realities make them feel like the flood gates have opened. But how do we gain confidence while still enjoying the novelty of it all? Below we outline some of the activities that constitute sado-masochism.

Meeting Mr. Right

How do you meet SM partners? It’s best to avoid doing SM sex with complete strangers. Going home after a night in the bar with someone you’ve never met or seen around before is probably not a good idea. If he has friends and appears to be well known you’re on safer ground. Do sort out with him what he’s into, and make it clear what you’re into and how far you want to go. Don’t be embarrassed about saying you’re inexperienced.
Make it clear that you want to play top or bottom – or both!

The same rules apply when answering contact ads or ‘phone lines or even using sites like Recon. Tell him what you want to do and what you don’t. Be dubious about men who only use PO Boxes when they answer your ad.

When you do go off for a scene, tell your friends where you are going. Ignore their smirks and requests for a full, detailed report later. Think safety!

Safety First

Apart from the basic safe sex message – never fuck without a rubber – there are some additional rules that apply to SM games. Never come on cuts or sore bits, like heavily worked tits, the odd nicks from a cane or even bits of the skin that have been shaved. Never share dildoes in the same scene – take your own dildoes with you, and sterilise them properly after use in Milton fluid or Boots own sterilising fluid.

Do agree a stop word with your partner before you start. You might agree that shouting “lemon meringue pie” will mean that he’s got to stop what he’s doing immediately – and he’d probably be so surprised that he’d stop even if you hadn’t agreed!


Being tied up is a really great experience, and so is tying up other people. Experiment with lots of different materials and methods. You don’t have to have lots of experience or expensive gear. A double bed with ropes to each leg is ideal for spread-eagling your slave. The addition of a thick black PVC sheet to the bed gives visual appeal and easy cleaning!

A strong garden chair with arms is ideal for bondage in a sitting position. Use soft cotton rope from your local yacht chandlers, or try the thick nylon varieties for a rougher feel. If you are going to invest in leather restraints, a pair of heavy duty wrist straps and a pair of ankle straps should last many happy years!

Try clingfilm for mummification, but don’t forget holes to let him breathe! Holes to expose tits, and dick and balls can be useful too…

  • Don’t get tied up by strangers.
  • Don’t tie anything around the neck – use a leather collar
  • Do check blood circulation. If his hands, feet or whatever
    else you’ve tied up feel cold or turn blue, untie him straight
    away and massage back the circulation.
  • Do practise your knots on yourself first, and keep them simple.


Corporal Punishment

CP is great fun. You can use it to control a slave just by threatening it, and many people get off on the pain involved. You can use lots of things – like your hand, so you can get as sore as he does!

Try a leather strap or garden cane – people have even been known to use the loo brush.

When you’re doing CP, be careful to avoid certain areas, like the kidneys and the head and neck. Be very gentle with his dick and balls and the soles of his feet, and remember that the sides of the body and insides of the legs are much more sensitive to pain than other areas. The heavier the implement the more painful and dangerous so the lighter you have to be. Also, keep that cane, strap or paddle clean as there can be accidental bleeding and that can spread HIV and other diseases.

Clothing and Fetishes

Of course, what we wear gives future playmates signals about what we’re into – and makes us feel sexy too. So clobber is a good start for great games.

If you’re having exotic rubber and leather clothes made, get zips put in so that you can get to all the fun bits: dick and balls, arse and tits. Chaps and suits with arse and dick areas cut out are great – you can always wear something else underneath if you want to party in public! Rubber is generally cheaper than leather, but doesn’t last as long or acquire that sexy worn look.

Mind Trips

Don’t forget that SM doesn’t have to be all physical – you can get into role playing and fantasy scenes with just a few props, or even none at all. Verbal abuse can really put your slave in his place, but don’t just spring it on him. Sound him out first to see if he doesn’t mind being called a “snivelling little shit” before you start! Experiment! Role play is safe!

The Boring Legal Bit

You’ve probably heard of the Spanner Case, where a group of gay men went to prison for having SM sex. They were caught partly because they made videos of their scenes, which the police got hold of. At the moment, the law seems to be that anything that leaves more than “trifling and transient” marks is illegal – and that probably means bruises or red marks that last more than 20 minutes or half an hour. So you need to decide the level of legal risk you want to take in any scene – and remember that photos and videos of scenes tend to get passed around and can get into the wrong hands.

For more information read the
SM & the Law information sheet

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